Ways to Help Children Distinguish Between Right and Wrong

A common situation that many parents face is dealing with their children's behaviors. For example, let's say you had a five year old child that has just entered school. She was a polite, considerate, and helpful young lady at home and in front of her teachers. However, her behavior has recently changed at home and it involves talking back, swearing, and discussing sex in general terms. She learned these behaviors from other kids at school.

I am not sure how I should teach her to make the right choices about right vs. wrong. She has already skipped school at the urging of her 5 year old friend. HOw can I help her when she is out of my supervision at school? How do I instruct to make the right decision on her own?

That is a great question. First we should discuss the fundamentals regarding this issue.

Kids in general try hard to do well in life. Their behaviors reflect what they think will bring them a successful result. The problem is that their idea of a successful result might not be the best idea. Sometimes they want the basics like hunger, warmth, and food. Or they might strive to have their parent's approval and love. Or they might be out to just have a good time.

They will exhibit the behavior they believe will get them the need they have at that time.

Of course, not all behaviors are successful - and that is the whole learning process. Constantly through life we are experimenting with behaviors to find the ones that work best for us. In choosing what behaviors to experiment with, we take input from past experiences, from what we have been told, and from what we have seen others do (in real life and on TV) and we combine this with the skills, abilities, and personality that we have. From all of this we get a range of possible behaviors, and out of those we pick what we hope will serve us best.

After trial and error we will find the behaviors that meet our needs. We will use these behaviors to get what we want. The more we are successful with a certain behavior, the more we engage in that behavior.

Back to your 5 year old daughter. Her behavior signals that she is in the process of trial and error. She is in a new situation at school and this has expanded her world. She is not sure how to react and is excited and nervous at the same time. She is testing different behaviors to determine which behaviors will yield a successful result.

Your daughter will probably try a host of behaviors. Many of which will not occur ever again as they didn't work. Some behaviors will become a part of her usual behavior. Which behaviors will your daughter keep? It is contingent upon the results of each experience. She is at an age where having your approval and love is very critical to her. She needs to see your reaction to her behaviors. Outside reactions from others also play a role. For example, punishments and rewards can be a big influence on her behavior. She will seek the approval of you, her teachers, and her friends.

How much influence do you, as a parent, have over this? At this age, quite a bit. When they are teenagers, a whole lot less. Your influence is through two means.

1. How you respond emotionally to her behaviors. Do you approve or disapprove of her behaviors?

2. Your manipulation of her environment. You have the power to choose her school, neighbors, and people she will be in contact with. You are the one who can give her punishments and rewards.

Integrating what he discussed together and looking at this logically, you need to answer the following questions:

Does this look like it is just an experimental phase that will almost certainly pass? If so, then don't get too stressed about it all - enjoy the phase of watching your kids growing up and exploring the world. (Hey, I remember sneaking out from home at about 7 to go and play in the school playground, in the dark, at about 9pm. I even put pillows in my bed to deceive my parents. And I turned out okay ... I think...)

Bear in mind that if you over-react to things like her swearing that may, in itself, actually make the behavior seems MORE exciting rather than less. Generally, "chilling out" is the better way to go.

If it looks like becoming more serious or more entrenched, then you need to take some sort of action.

At this point you will need to rely on your judgement of the situation. Are you doing all the things you can as a parent? Make sure that you are a positive role model. Remember, you have a significant influence on her.

Next, check out the school and your neighborhood. How have the children who grew up in this neighborhood fared when they grew up? Do they become productive adults or do most of the kids spend time in juvenile detention for most of their teenage years?

Speak with other parents and teachers. Most schools have a "culture" and it may just be that this is the culture in this school - i.e. that lots of kids go through this phase and then settle down, rather like the toilet jokes when they are 7 and 8. Or it may be that the teachers are greatly concerned.

Unfortunately, you can't watch over every influence in your child's life. You also can't be 100% sure that your daughter will learn right from wrong. However, you can improve the odds of this. Your influence as a parent is great and you should be a positive role model for your child.

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You can find many more of Dr. Noel Swanson free parenting tips on his website. Make sure you also get his excellent book: www.good-child-guide.com
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