Why Do We Fight with Our Teenagers?

Your child has entered the teenage years. You enjoyed the first thirteen years of your child's life. You worried about them every day. You changed so many diapers during their early years and watched with a smile on your face as their team placed first in the sixth grade soccer championship. You guided them through the struggles in life such as bruised shins and taking their first test at school.

Those years must have been the most difficult, right? They were totally dependent upon you and that took a great deal of your energy. Shouldn't it be easier now that they are teenagers? They are more independent and don't need your help in every situation. They can also help you around the house and in the garden. They can take care of themselves if you want a night out on the town. You can converse with them about subjects you will both enjoy, right?

So what goes wrong when they hit that 13th Birthday??? In many cultures they would now be considered adults - old enough to marry, old enough to sit in the village council to listen to the debates with the elders. Yet in the West, the teen years seem, so often, to be full of strife and conflict. Why does this occur?

Simply stated it is due to human growth and societal expectations.

The brain is complex. It is in a great state of growth and development during the teenage years. It is always growing, expanding, evaluating, and making links. These links build the foundation for memory, learning, perception, and social rationale.

From birth through age 12, your child's brain experiences and learns a large amount. At birth the brain communicates through non-verbal means and by age 12 your child can communicate through effective verbal and reasoning means.

Then the teenage years hit the brain like a hurricane. The brain goes into a state of chaos after which it rebuilds itself. While your brain is rebuilding itself your child might not be able to do some of the things they could before. For example, speaking to the opposite sex has suddenly become virtually impossible without becoming quite nervous. Throughout the teen years your child will need to understand the components of social interaction and how they fit into the whole social setting. They will make friends and strive to find their sexual ife partner.

Comprehending the ins and outs of the social scene can be difficult for their teenage brain. Their brain goes back and forth between its methods of operation during their pre-teen years and how they are expected to act as teens. This tug-of-war can make the social behavior of a teenager inconsistent and sometimes perplexing.

This tug-of-war is also affected greatly by the ups and downs of their sex hormones. Plus, teens tend to stay up late and skip much needed sleep. These factors together can make for one feisty teenager.

Teens also have to deal with the different expectations placed on them now that they are older. They hear every day from many sources that they "should" be doing certain things and the definitions between normal and abnormal. Expectations for how they should act during each year of their teenage experience is detailed by their parents, friends, teachers, police, and society. It can be hard for a teenager to discern exactly how they should act when they have all these people forcing their opinions on them.

But there is a problem with expectations. Every time you have one, you have the potential for a problem. A behavior is only a behavior; until someone says that it "should not" be happening. Then, suddenly, it is a problem.

The combination of the varying expectations, sex hormones, and plain teenage angst cause your teenager to act like a pleasant dear one minute and a force to be reckoned with the next.

So, how do you manage all of this? Here are some ideas. Next time you are in an argument with your teen - or getting frustrated with his or her behavior, consider the following:

1) Bickering and yelling will get you no closer to a resolution.

2) Your teenager wants to have the best outcome as well. They are relying on the extent of their perceptions and skills which could be far different from yours.

3) Remember your teenager is still trying to sort life out and may not understand either why you are fighting.

4) Why is it such a potent problem? Whose expectation has not been met? Is this really a devastating problem in the big world of life?

5) Brainstorm different ways of communicating with your teenager besides forcing them to see things your way.

6) Remember, your teenager will outgrow the teenager years eventually. Think about the future and how you will want to remember this time in your lives.

In conclusion, it is a good idea to have rules and expectations. However, relax a little. Don't be so strict that you push your teenager away. Figure out how to have fun together so you can both get through the teenage years with fun and enjoyment.

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Dr. Noel Swanson is a leading specialist on child behaviour. He has a fascinating website with lots of www.good-child-guide.com/">parenting advice that is well worth a visit.